Selfie Does🙄Gluten Free
I know what you’re thinking - or at least I know what many think when I have to talk about this. And the reason why I hate talking about it is because it tends to be the same thing the woman behind me in line (and the omelette chef) muttered out loud when I deigned to order an egg white veggie omelette this morning WITHOUT bacon. And it goes something like this:
[cue: eating with people I don’t know - social events/work events]: “Why do you have a different meal?”
[cue: restaurant]“Selfie does Gluten Free” “I’m GF too” “I’m on a diet too.”
[cue: Cousin Tina’s FB post] “Thats not even real”
[cue: extended family dinner] “I...didn’t just take this knife put it in the Brie, put it on my bread and put it back in the Brie, what’s the problem?” *Hard eye roll from all witnesses*
I’m obviously a bit sensitive* but I perceive the eye rolls before they even start and it’s always made me uncomfortable to be THAT Yuppie Karen. Obviously, a gluten-free lifestyle was quite recently the trendiest of food trends to the point of being nearly passè a la the South Beach, low-carb, raw food macrobiotics glory days with ongoing debates about the benefits. But here’s the thing I, like your cousin Matt and so many others, have a latent-developing gluten intolerance. And back in 2012 (geez, has it been that long?), the only reason why I knew what gluten even freaking was because Miley Cyrus went on some gluten-free diet and I read about it in an US Weeks***.
Here’s what I will say, while I don’t love having to talk about this at the dinner table (or karate chopping you from putting your breadcrumbed knife in the cheese. Sorry. Mama needs the Brie), I could never have quickly gotten to a place of peace with it without a lot of help from the internet and second, the number of people who have asked me how I started running halfs is less than half of the people who ask me about the GF thing. So, without further ado, if you, too, are part of the cool intolerant-to-celiac gang, welcome. (Also, sorry, Brah.) Or are you perhaps my SIL’s prima and you’re tired of my sh*$ at every birthday party and want to know what’s going on? I gotchu.****
Gluten FAQs?
1. How did you know? Were you always sick?
I knew because for about six months I was fatigued to the point that I thought I had thyroid cancer (Thanks, Web MD!) and was so bloated at the end of the day, that a skirt that I wore two sizes too big in the morning had to be unzipped so I could be comfortable driving home. No, it didn’t always affect me. Intolerances, which can be genetic, can develop later in life which is especially common in women of child-bearing age.
2. What is Gluten?
It’s a protein found in wheat, barley and rye and anything containing them. So things like bread and beer and pasta but also, Worcestershire sauce and soy sauce and things those items are in...like a lot of bloody marys and terriyaki sauce
3. Do you really get sick?
Yes, for me, getting “glutened” is like having bad food poisoning for a few days. It is...gruesome.
4. Can you get better?
It doesn’t go away, no. I find that things like cross-contamination don’t mess me up as much as they used to seven years ago. Cross-contamination is where there’s no actual gluten in your food but it came into contact with food with gluten because of the kitchen surface or the deep fryer has gluten-y food on/in it. And yes, unfortunately, it can be that crazy out here.
5. Did you see a doctor?
Of course - both a GP and a specialist. If you think you have a similar issue, it’s imperative to make sure it’s not something else. That being said, there’s no magic fix and it’s not like lactose where you can take a lactaid.
6....Well, wtf can you eat then?
A whole lot! And no I don’t have to go to a special restaurant. Mexican food, Japanese food, grilled food, pizza, Greek food, etc., I might just have to ask more questions than other people do about what’s in my food.
7. Where’s the best place in Austin for Gluten-Free food?
Bar-none for pizza, it’s Via 313. For gf-safe without question? It’s Wildwood Bakehouse. Amazing brunch. Awesome bakery. Amazing.
8. I got you this cookie! It’s gluten free, you want it?
I love you so much for your thoughtfulness, friend, but no, probably not. Here’s the thing that I think most people have come to terms with but if the last seven years have taught me anything, it’s worth repeating: Gluten-Free does not equal healthy. Gluten-free products can also be processed and filled with sugar and fat. Which is great if that’s what you want today^ but oh my gosh, gluten-free Girl Scout cookies are the same as regular ones - they probably just don’t taste as good and then like, what’s the point?
I hope this comes off as helpful and not...a tad bitter because I do really appreciate the popularity of the gluten-free lifestyle mostly because I’m relieved I don’t have to explain what it is (I had no idea). And while few people love real bread quite as deeply as I do (maybe not bread…but certainly sandwiches), it no longer loves me back. Since 2012, I’ve learned a lot about alternatives, eating out-of-town and out of the country (and in foreign languages) and nutrition. Plus, I freaking love food and will write about it often. If you’re ever interested in that kind of thing, please hit the comments or DM me and I will definitely sprinkle that in! Also, SURPRISE MOTHER#%#}*!^^^All the recipes here will be GF because, like, I want to eat them.
Finally, and this is the real point, if you eat GF, Vegan, Keto, Whole 30, Unicorn Blood or whatever, and it makes you feel good and your doctor has no concerns, YOU. DO. YOU.^^ I am not here to judge and please tell me if you find a new restaurant where I can eat! And if you’ve rolled your eyes at the way someone eats, like Connie Cruise and Sheila Chef this morning, maybe mind your omelette, friend.
*Dare I say straight- up intolerant?! Yuk yuk yuk**
**Literally just for you, SS
***I know. Judge away. And yes “weeks” and not “weekly”.
**** Also, it’s okay Mr. Selfie wasn’t able to make it to this party. We’re not fused into one person. Also, like, be nice. I don’t know you.
^There is the best freaking Gluten-free bakery in Disney Springs. I will never turn down a donut from there.
^^Except...one of those is Voldemort. Don’t be Voldemort.
^^^ #STAYSURPRISED